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We spend a lot of time wondering if what we’re into is normal.
Not out loud, obviously. That’s not how this works. We wonder quietly, privately, usually at 2am when the internet rabbit hole has taken us somewhere unexpected. We compare ourselves to some imagined version of what everyone else is doing and assume we’re either too much or not enough.
So here’s the data. Actual numbers from an actual study — over 2,000 adults across the US, representative by age, gender, and race, asked confidentially about their sexual behaviors, what they find appealing, and what they’ve tried.
What it reveals is equal parts reassuring and surprising. Let’s break it down.
Tier 1 — The Universals What almost everyone is doing, whether they talk about it or not
This tier is the 80% club. If you’re doing any of these, you are firmly, statistically, unremarkably normal.
Vaginal sex leads the data as expected — 88.5% of men and 91% of women report having it regularly with a partner. From a physiological standpoint this is the most straightforward form of sexual expression for heterosexual couples, which is exactly what the numbers reflect. No surprises here.
What does surprise people is masturbation sitting right alongside it. Over 80% of both men and women report masturbating at some point in their lives. In the last month alone, 64% of men and 41% of women have done so. Despite being one of the most universal human behaviors, it remains one of the most stigmatized. Research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine shows regular masturbation supports prostate health, reduces stress, and helps maintain sexual function over time. The shame around it has no biological basis whatsoever.
Oral sex rounds out this tier — over 80% of both men and women have given and received it. It is not a special occasion activity. It is a standard feature of most people’s sexual lives.
And then there’s pornography, which 82% of men and 60% of women admit to watching. The operative word there is admit — the real numbers are almost certainly higher. Occasional use isn’t clinically problematic, but heavy consumption is associated with unrealistic expectations, performance anxiety, and in younger men specifically, reduced sensitivity and increased difficulty achieving arousal with a real partner. The issue isn’t the content. It’s the volume and the expectation it creates.
“The Tier 1 data tells us one thing clearly — the activities we’re most embarrassed to admit are the ones almost everyone is doing.”
Tier 2 — The Mainstream More common than people admit. Less talked about than they should be.
This is where things get interesting.
75% of women have worn lingerie or sexy underwear specifically for a partner. 26% of men have chosen their underwear with their partner in mind. This isn’t vanity — it’s effort, and effort communicates desire. From a psychological standpoint, making a visual effort for your partner signals that they’re worth it, which is its own form of foreplay that doesn’t require a single word.
Sexting and nude photos land at 65% of men and 54% of women having sent or received them. The data here reflects modern intimacy as much as it reflects sexuality — digital connection has become a genuine extension of physical relationships. The clinical caution worth noting: once an image leaves your phone you have permanently lost control of it. Trust matters here more than anywhere else.
Erotic stories sit at 57% overall, with women significantly more likely to prefer them over explicit video. This is not a small distinction. Female arousal is consistently more mental and emotional than visual — which means if you have a female partner and you’ve never considered sharing erotic literature with her, you are leaving one of the most effective tools for building desire completely unused.
Public sex lands at 43% — almost half of all respondents have done it at least once. The psychological driver is well documented: the combination of novelty, risk, and the possibility of being caught activates the same neurological reward pathways as other forms of excitement. Worth noting that public sexual activity is illegal in most jurisdictions, with consequences that range from uncomfortable to genuinely serious.
“Tier 2 is where the gap between what people do and what they think others do is widest. Almost half the room has done most of this.”
Speaking of what's actually possible — before we get into the adventurous tier, this feels like the right moment to mention something. A colleague of mine, Alex, put together a video called Revolutionary Sex that goes deep into exactly this territory. Not what people think they want. What women actually respond to, physiologically and psychologically, when a man genuinely knows what he's doing.
I've recommended it to a number of people and the feedback has been consistent. If you're going to explore the activities in this next tier, understanding female pleasure at that level changes everything about the experience for both of you.
Now let's get into the numbers that actually surprise people.
Tier 3 — The Adventurous Not as niche as you think. Not as universal as the internet suggests.
This tier is where the data does the most to recalibrate expectations — in both directions.
Anal sex is reported by 43% of men and 30% of women. From a neurological standpoint the appeal is straightforward — the anal area contains a significant concentration of nerve endings, and for men the prostate can be stimulated through anal contact, producing a distinct form of pleasure that has nothing to do with sexual orientation and everything to do with anatomy. The non-negotiables here are lubrication, communication, patience, and the understanding that this is the one area where going slowly isn’t optional.
Spanking sits at around 30% — nearly one in three people have tried it. Pain and pleasure activate overlapping neurological pathways, which is why mild pain during sexual activity can genuinely enhance arousal rather than detract from it. The endorphin release that accompanies mild pain operates similarly to the rush of physical exercise. Consent and communication before, not during, are the only rules that matter here.
Role playing lands at 22%, light restraint at 20%, and playful impact play at around 13%. If you know ten people, two of them have explored some form of kink. It is significantly more mainstream than the silence around it suggests, and significantly less extreme than its reputation implies. Done with clear communication, established boundaries, and genuine mutual enthusiasm, there is nothing clinically or psychologically problematic about any of it.
Threesomes have been experienced by 18% of men and 10% of women. Group sex, sex parties, and BDSM events sit below 8%. These sit at the genuine edge of the data — not because there is anything wrong with them, but because they require levels of communication, trust, and emotional intelligence that most people underestimate going in. The conversations that need to happen before are longer and more specific than most people anticipate.
“Tier 3 exists on a spectrum. The entry point is closer than people think. The far end requires more than most people are prepared for.”
What the Data Actually Tells Us
Step back from the individual numbers and a clearer picture emerges.
The activities people are most ashamed of are the ones almost everyone is doing. The activities people assume are niche are participated in by significant minorities — sometimes majorities. The gap between what people actually do and what they think is normal is enormous, and that gap is almost entirely produced by silence.
The data also tells us something about the difference between men and women that is worth naming directly. Men are statistically more likely to find anal sex, group activities, and explicit video appealing. Women are more likely to find romantic films, couples massage, and vibrators appealing. Neither of these is a stereotype — they are consistent findings across decades of research into how men and women approach sexuality differently.
And then there’s the finding that sits quietly at the end of the study, easy to overlook because it isn’t provocative enough to make headlines. Cuddling and kissing ranked as highly appealing for both men and women — more appealing, in many cases, than activities much further down the adventurous end of the scale.
Intimacy is not just about what you do. It’s about connection. The data, for all its explicit detail, keeps coming back to the same conclusion.
What matters most is that whatever you explore is genuinely consensual, openly communicated, and adds to rather than detracts from the relationship you’re in.
Everything else is just preference.
Love Emma